A Beginning

Hey you, little girl. It's me. I brought you some chocolates, as you like them. Remember ? Oh, no, I'm stupid. So let me tell you.

I ran when they called me. I came as fast as I could. To found you here. In this hospital bed. Wrapped in bandages. Tubes stuck everywhere into your body. Unrecognisable. And I have been here for three weeks now. You just woke up and you're lost. I see it in your eyes. You don't remember anything. The doctor says you've got amnesia. I'm scared. You don't recognize me with your big clear eyes full of questions and incomprehension.

I'm Thomas. Your big brother. When I tell you that, you shake your head. I sigh. I am still a stranger. Let me tell you about your past, I'll try to be quick but, please, listen to me. Even if you don't like or believe what I'm gonna say.

 You're an amazing girl with a rough past. You are nineteen and you study at the Instituto Marangoni in London. It's your dream.

You were born two years after me. It was a great happiness for our parents and that was why they named you Joy. We lived in Brighton. I've got nothing important to tell about the first years of life. We were happy, it's the most important. Everything tipped over the year of your 10 years. Our parents had left to have dinner at friends. They never came back. A car crash. We never really understood the circumstances. Our aunt took us with her. She did her best, it wasn't easy.

And you, you radically changed. You didn't eat any more. Didn't talk. Didn’t smile. You weren't there. Lost in your suffering. You wanted to die. Nobody knew what to do. I stood there and watched. Powerless. You wouldn't let anybody help you or even come close.

You entered middle school. You stayed withdrawn, without friends. Stuck in your grief. The others laughed at you, they called you the Anorexic, the Suicidal... You sank more and more into despair, if it was possible. You destroyed yourself and I couldn't do anything. It ate me up. Then you entered high school, you suddenly changed. A new time. You decided to get out of your pain and to be bad. You fought your sadness, you started to eat again. I heard you sing again. You confided your fears to me. I reassured you. You had friends to support you too. But then, you fell in love with this boy and you gave him the power to destroy you again. And he used it. He abused it. You fell apart again.

But you reacted. With violence. You wanted to leave everything and you did. You went to London after your graduation. You found a job to pay your room and went to the school of your dreams. You succeeded after several difficulties.

I hadn't heard about you after you left until this call, three weeks ago. When they told me you were practically dead. After a motorcycle accident.

And you know the weirdest ? They found nothing on the road. No traces of brakes. As if you had voluntarily rushed into the gap. As if you wanted to die. Again. Is it true ? Tell me ! I have to know.

I see you, frail in your bed, tears in your eyes. And I feel bad but I'm so lost. I want to understand. Why you didn't talk to me ? Why did you run away from me ? Just a little note to tell me you were leaving.

But I love you. More than anything. And I want to protect you, to help you, see you happy, be a part of your life...

Your eyes are reddened by tears. But you smile, slightly, but you smile. You look at me for a long time. You try to remember everything, I see it on your face. You are still quiet but I'm waiting with patience. It must be so hard for you. And abruptly, you open your mouth, the words cross your lips with hesitation :

“I can't answer. I don't remember. But I trust you.”

And I feel free. I didn't measure my fear before you told me that. I feel relieve and I hug you. You are still withdrawn but I don't care. You're here. I leave a few hours later and before I close the door I hear you whisper :

“I want to live.”

It was her life. Her accident. And the beginning.

Her rebirth.

 ©

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